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“As Seen on TV” Products That Do Not Suck

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As seen on TV

Back in the olden days when Amazon was just a snake-filled river, online shopping consisted of finding a pencil to write down an 800 number flashing on the television. This phone number enabled you to purchase whatever magical product being advertised on the TV screen. Hence the beginnings of “As Seen on TV’ products. On the rare occasion, I was allowed to use my not-so-hard-earned babysitting money and order something, it would invariably be a dud. Years later, walking through acres of crappy stalls of tie-dye, cheap socks, and fake watches inside the South Florida phenomenon known as an indoor flea market, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right there, amidst the ugly bathing suits, I found a store filled with “As seen on TV” products. At that point in my life, with a newborn, a barely walking young toddler, and sleep deprived, I believed it was a mirage. Instead of…

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Blog

Extreme Quirkiness of a Philadelphia-Adjacent Upbringing

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Philadelphia Love

Even though I spent my childhood in South Jersey, I come from a long line of Philadelphians, as long as Russian Immigrant heredity can be. As great as this metropolitan city with a ton of history is, the city is known for its quirkiness. The city has a cracked bell as one of its biggest tourist sites. Oh, Those Golden Slippers… My mother grew up in South Philadelphia, and although she possessed no love of cheesesteaks, she did love the Mummers. We spent all of New Years’ Day watching drunk men dressed in feathers strutting around the Philadelphia streets to music that still gives me an automatic migraine. Once I left home, they didn’t go away. Since my parents spent the winter in Florida, the only holiday present my mother wanted was to see the complete parade. With no Amazon, DVR, or streaming service, just a limited space VHS tape,…

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Kids

Spooky Halloween Tales Told Not from the Crypt but a Suburban Living Room

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Candy Corn

Halloween was never my favorite holiday. Mainly it was the costumes. As traditional a housewife as my mother may have been, sewing was not her thing. She had a super cool sewing box, with one of those cloth tomatoes that I still have no clue of their purpose, that I never saw her use . Making a costume was never an option. Those early 70’s store-bought costumes were flammable and non-breathable. They also were non-describable. Was I Caspar the Friendly Ghost or Mary Poppins? The mask that came with it eventually found its true purpose later for bank robbers and scary movie villains. The memory of spending a few hours barely breathing, blinded, and sweating in the un-temperature-relegated material that’s presently contributing to many a landfills’ toxicity can still trigger a nightmare. Witch Way to the Candy? When I was little, there must have been a ring of children-targeted bandits…

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Random Thoughts

I am Missing the Cooking Gene and Have No Meal Creating Instincts

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Fire Extinguisher person

As a skinny kid with big feet (irrelevant?), food was just food. I ate it. Not enough, according to my grandparents, but fast forward fifty years, and a shocking glance at my scale would quiet them down. Although looks were deceiving, my mother was a simple Russian peasant cook. Despite her weekly beauty parlor set hair, Estée Lauder frosted apricot lipstick, and Chico’s couture, her menus were nothing but old country. She did not pass along her love of cooking to her only child. Growing up, I saw the glass half-empty side of her cooking. The making of Gefilte fish, a Passover staple, is a biblical horror story from the murdering of the poor fish at the Deli to the odors remaining from the cooking of the poor bludgeoned Carp. Not sure if the fish-killer’s job title is Butcher, but that’s what he did with a hammer to the poor…

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Kids

The Kids Made it to School Alive, So Now What Do I All Day?

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WHAT DO I DO NOW THAT KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL

The best decision I thought I made was to quit my job so I could devote my life to raising my kids. That decision’s success is on par with my decision to cut my hair myself, sell AT&T stock a week before it split, and all the concert tickets bought in bulk, thinking I could sell at a significant profit. I can’t comment too much on my kids’ first few years as I spent them in a no-sleep, diaper-changing, formula-stained-clothes-wearing induced haze. Once they hit preschool, I spent my newfound freedom during school hours walking around Target. It was heaven. But after way too many purchases of Up and Up products that may still be sitting under my sink, I needed a new way to spend my time. Get a Job! The logical thing was to get a job, especially since I spent all our disposable income on unneeded household…

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Lifestyling

I Can’t Move to Florida Because I Eat Dinner Too Late

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Moving to Florida

Before the mouse took residence in Orlando, Florida, to me, it was a state filled with old people. Early-bird dinners, coconut patties, and gold squiggly pineapple necklaces are my childhood memories. Everything about Florida screamed last stop before the grave. Even after a trip to Disneyworld, I wasn’t swayed. The Magic Kingdom was like the Vatican, a separate entity stuck in the middle of the breeding grounds of senility. Spring break in Ft. Lauderdale did nothing to convince me. The strip of beach and hotels populated with girls gone wild and their drunk counterparts was another anomaly. At the time, I was visiting my ancient aunt and uncle, and they drove me down the main drag in their old-school Cadillac. It was a traumatic experience. Over the years, as my family grew, it was wonderful visiting my parents in Delray Beach. There is a funky main street with trendy bars…

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Blog

5 Reasons to Read my Blog

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women s pair of pink socks

I am not alone in my concern (sweating panic) about what is next in my life now that my daughter is a Freshman in College and my son a Senior in High School. I gave up my original career (earning more than sub-minimum wage) a million years ago (almost 19) when I gave birth. Mommy groups, PTA, Community Service Volunteer, Political Activist (I went to 1 march), Girl Scout Troop Leader, Team Manager, and Carpool Organizer extraordinaire are all behind me. Now What? I have no idea. However, it may be fun to document my entry into this scary new stage of my life. Maybe together my fellow almost empty nesters and I can glide smoothly (or not) through the next adventure of our lives with fun, laughs, and hopefully grace. Follow me on my journey as I navigate through these terrifying waters. So much of the future is uncertain.…

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