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Back in the olden days when Amazon was just a snake-filled river, online shopping consisted of finding a pencil to write down an 800 number flashing on the television. This phone number enabled you to purchase whatever magical product being advertised on the TV screen. Hence the beginnings of “As Seen on TV’ products. On the rare occasion, I was allowed to use my not-so-hard-earned babysitting money and order something, it would invariably be a dud. Years later, walking through acres of crappy stalls of tie-dye, cheap socks, and fake watches inside the South Florida phenomenon known as an indoor flea market, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right there, amidst the ugly bathing suits, I found a store filled with “As seen on TV” products. At that point in my life, with a newborn, a barely walking young toddler, and sleep deprived, I believed it was a mirage. Instead of…

I have a Masters’s Degree, climbed up the corporate ladder to vice president, and have kept two kids alive and well for almost 20 years, yet I can’t figure out Groundhog Day. I can’t wrap my brain around why we allow a little rodent-like creature to determine when to put away our snow boots. It is Still a School Day I am going to try to make some sense of this holiday. I apologize if I am offending anyone. Although, I can’t imagine who I would be offending. Groundhogs? The monopoly-men-looking dudes in top hats and tuxedos? What are You Talking About Phil? First of all, I never understand the outcome. It happens every year. Am I just a dope? When Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, what does that mean? When the overzealous news announcers tell us Phil saw the shadow and we have six more weeks of winter, I…

Before the mouse took residence in Orlando, Florida, to me, it was a state filled with old people. Early-bird dinners, coconut patties, and gold squiggly pineapple necklaces are my childhood memories. Everything about Florida screamed last stop before the grave. Even after a trip to Disneyworld, I wasn’t swayed. The Magic Kingdom was like the Vatican, a separate entity stuck in the middle of the breeding grounds of senility. Spring break in Ft. Lauderdale did nothing to convince me. The strip of beach and hotels populated with girls gone wild and their drunk counterparts was another anomaly. At the time, I was visiting my ancient aunt and uncle, and they drove me down the main drag in their old-school Cadillac. It was a traumatic experience. Over the years, as my family grew, it was wonderful visiting my parents in Delray Beach. There is a funky main street with trendy bars…

I am now the Scrooge of Valentine’s Day. I loved Valentine’s Day as a kid but never associated it with romance. There were plenty of gifts for me on that day, and it didn’t even matter that they were always Pepto-Bismal color themes. Whether it was pajamas, socks, or a stuffed animal, it was pink. As I got older, the gifts slowed down, but the goofy cards never did. I enjoy the fun whimsicalness of the day. Some Years Were Dry Even though I have had a few, who am I kidding there were many, years without any potential valentines hanging around; life went on. I continued my loser tradition of heading out to the drug store on Feb. 15th and getting myself some cut-rate candy. What Does One Do With a Gold-Dipped Rose? As I spent the time leading up to Valentine’s Day listening to advertisements hawking teddy bears…

I love to read. I love love love to read. I am weeks away from achieving a goal to read 60 books in one year. I am an avid reader, but evil things out there do nothing but divert me from this goal. At first, it was the iPhone. It was those stupid Angry Birds thwarting me from the very start. Next was Candy Crush, followed by Words with Friends, and then back to Candy Crush. Who can pick up a book when there are texts, emails, and Youtube videos of Princess Diana’s secret affairs or how to apply makeup correctly. In the olden days, TV kept me away for only a few hours of must-see TV on a Thursday night. Now with Netflix and 1000 different Real Housewives, it’s a struggle to lure me away from the TV. Before kids, a real job and laziness set in, I was…