Forget the Romance on Valentine’s Day

I am now the Scrooge of Valentine’s Day. I loved Valentine’s Day as a kid but never associated it with romance. There were plenty of gifts for me on that day, and it didn’t even matter that they were always Pepto-Bismal color themes. Whether it was pajamas, socks, or a stuffed animal, it was pink. As I got older, the gifts slowed down, but the goofy cards never did. I enjoy the fun whimsicalness of the day.

Some Years Were Dry

Even though I have had a few, who am I kidding there were many, years without any potential valentines hanging around; life went on. I continued my loser tradition of heading out to the drug store on Feb. 15th and getting myself some cut-rate candy.

What Does One Do With a Gold-Dipped Rose?

As I spent the time leading up to Valentine’s Day listening to advertisements hawking teddy bears for adults, pajama telegrams, and gold-dipped roses, I decided I must be harboring some resentment of this holiday. These items just annoyed me to death. Then I realized it’s not the ridiculousness of the gifts; it’s that I don’t like forced romantic gestures. How did this spectacular marketing scheme become February 14th?

An Emperor and a Couple of Popes

There is some bizarre history as to the beginning of this holiday. Hold on to your bonbons I did a little research. Not only did I find some strange origins of Valentine’s Day, but I may also have discovered an origin to a well-used phrase. I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, where do we go to discover beginnings? Yup, back to the Romans. According to an article in NPR, “From Feb 13th to 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.” You can read the article, but basically, the women would line up for this weird whipping believing it was the key to fertility. I’m sure all feminists are spontaneously combusting.

The true history is a bit murky, so I will sum it up with some very liberal interpretations. Sorry, Cupid, I don’t like you, so I ignore you. A Roman emperor decided to execute two men, coincidentally named Valentine, on Feb 14th. Years later, a pope made them martyrs and honored them with St. Valentine’s Day. The murky part is how these saints became equated with love and even became saints.

Fast-forward a few more years when another pope decides to expel some pagan rituals. The feast of Lupercalia had become not much more than a drunken free for all, and so the pope chose to combine it with Valentine’s Day.

It was a little more of a drunken revel, but the Christians put clothes back on it. That didn’t stop it from being a day of fertility and love

Arnie Seipel – Npr

Sketchy origin, but there it is. To go back to my discovery, this may be a stretch, but could the phrase Hitting on have started with men literally hitting women? A thought.

Enter Shakespeare and Hallmark

I love getting gifts and celebrating love. There are plenty of other ways to celebrate romantic love, but I see no need for it to be a group event. The mass loving is disturbing. Pick any anniversary and celebrate. Who cares what it is? It could be first date, first fight, first marriage, losing a deadbeat husband, second marriage, anything as long as it’s personal. Leave the team valentine love for the kids in the classroom.

To add more fuel to my cooled-down flame, I am not a fan of the so-called romantic gifts. Here are the top 5 and the reasons they irk me.

1. A Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates

A heart-shaped cardboard box does nothing to float my boat. The candy will put on pounds, and I only like the few caramel or chocolate-centered ones. I can’t believe anyone eats those scary gelatinous goopy ones. What annoys me even more than the inedible (in my opinion ) candy in the fancy box is the names they apply to them. Whose brilliant idea was to give the fillings unrecognizable titles like nougat, marzipan, and truffle? What happened to Chocolate cream, marshmallow, and jelly.? Why is a rum-soaked cherry called a cordial? As a little kid, I stayed far away from chocolate turtles. Instead, give me a Hershey Bar or a bag of toll house chocolate chips right off the grocery aisle baking shelf.

I eat the crappiest candy out there. You would think I am a 7-year-old. Give me a bag of those cinnamon hearts, and I’m good. I even like those incredibly horrible candies with the sayings. I know they have updated them, but no one can deny they were just a smidge off-color. Bite me? Hotlips? Eek!

2. A Good Bottle of Wine

I am far from a wine connoisseur. Instead of a nice bottle of wine, I would prefer a bottle of Fireball. It may just be I am a cinnamon freak or a redneck.

3. A Social Media Declaration of Love

Please do not post any public declaration of love on Facebook. Whenever someone shares their most intimate thoughts about their significant other, I think, can’t you just look up from your computer and tell him/her/they? And seriously, how can you tell your 3 million closest friends that your husband is the best husband in the world? Every time I read that, I scream, “He is the best husband in the world. SAYS YOU!”

4. Roses

Flowers die. I once thought that was their charm. Limited beauty etc. Now I look at the price of a dozen roses, and I’d rather have an upgraded pedicure. The one with the hot stones and the extra massage.

5. Romantic Dinner for Two

A swanky dinner on Valentine’s Day may be off my list if only because I am cheap. I see no reason why a random meal needs to be hiked up in price because they put a red tablecloth on the table, bring out a few price-fixed entrees and possibly hire an intrusively scary violin player or mariachi band.

In Conclusion

I should not be poo-pooing an opportunity to share romance and bring lightness and joy to each other However, old habits die hard, and every time I see that naked chubby baby with an arrow, I think there has to be a better way to share the love. Maybe I’ll take a handful of cinnamon hearts, toss them in a shot of Fireball, and I’ll feel differently.

Happy Valentines Day!