Raising kids is not always a slice of heaven. It’s hell at times. Our brain lies to us. Just like social media It creates embellished Facebook posts in our heads. No different than posting some prettied-up pictures and trying to convince our closest nine thousand friends that life is perfect, our brain is trying to convince us that our past was perfect and life will never be as good without the kids at home.
Animal Welfare Please Do Not Read I never had a dog growing up. I had a fish. Not sure if you can consider a menu item a pet. Living in an apartment, I tried for a Hamster or Gerbil. My mother’s claim was that she would move out if anyone brought home a rodent. Many times I wanted to challenge that threat. I come from a long line of cat haters, but once I found freedom in my first apartment, I decided that I would get one. I ended up with some sort of long hair grey Persian or Himalayan cat that I named Jacqueline, and I ridiculously pronounced it with a pompous French accent. I lost the cat. Not a euphemism for death, as I literally lost the cat when I took her for a ride. Hindsight be damned as a couple of questions come to mind. Why the hell was…
Mother’s Day wasn’t much of a big deal in my home. It does seem odd looking back. Dad was a kind man, but for some reason, Mother’s Day wasn’t his thing. Maybe because her birthday was a few days before, or maybe it was because she only had one kid. Barely a mother. As I got older, he left mothers day to me. He would give me money and tell me to buy her something, but I never quite hit the mark. One year I bought her a Dustbuster, and she didn’t talk to either of us for a while. I still think it was a cool gift. Mothers Day is Boring in the USA Mothers Day worldwide is way more exciting than some overpriced flowers, cards, and a nice dinner that is standard fare in this country. The best way it’s celebrated is in Yugoslavia, where children creep…
I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.Reese Witherspoon
Before the mouse took residence in Orlando, Florida, to me, it was a state filled with old people. Early-bird dinners, coconut patties, and gold squiggly pineapple necklaces are my childhood memories. Everything about Florida screamed last stop before the grave. Even after a trip to Disneyworld, I wasn’t swayed. The Magic Kingdom was like the Vatican, a separate entity stuck in the middle of the breeding grounds of senility. Spring break in Ft. Lauderdale did nothing to convince me. The strip of beach and hotels populated with girls gone wild and their drunk counterparts was another anomaly. At the time, I was visiting my ancient aunt and uncle, and they drove me down the main drag in their old-school Cadillac. It was a traumatic experience. Over the years, as my family grew, it was wonderful visiting my parents in Delray Beach. There is a funky main street with trendy bars…
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog
Lord, what fools these mortals be.William Shakespeare
This year I turn Sixty. Once I said it out loud, I thought I would drop dead of a heart attack. For years, I feared that if I ever walked into my bathroom and saw a python floating around in my toilet bowl (it could happen), I would die. My heart would not be able to take it—the same thing with accepting that I will be turning 60. It’s freaking scary. But I said it, and I am still here. I planned to sit down and write something profoundly moving about this milestone. Fat chance of that happening. I play casino slot machine games on my phone and watch all of The Real Housewives, so no one is taking life advice from me. Nevertheless, the best way to accept this is to acknowledge it. There are still many months (a few) till I turn sixty. I like to spread out…
May the roof above us never fall in, and those gathered beneath it never fall out.Irish Blessing
St Patty’s Day is a holiday that I can really get behind. I apologize in advance as I’m sure I will be offending Catholics, Irish People, and a bunch of drunks simultaneously. I am sincere. Well, as sincere as one can get when discussing things like little green fairies and dyed milkshakes. My thoughtless mother would often forget to dress me in the appropriate colors. As a Jewish kid named Cindy Greenberg, I used the lame excuse of “the green is in my name” when asked where was my green. I never went as far as dangly shamrock earrings and leprechaun sweatshirts, but I would don an olive or kelly green sweater when I remembered. At the approach of my favorite holiday, that I do not officially celebrate, I put together a list of all the reasons I smile on March 17th. 1. Irish Potatoes Irish potatoes, also known as…