Back in the olden days when Amazon was just a snake-filled river, online shopping consisted of finding a pencil to write down an 800 number flashing on the television. This phone number enabled you to purchase whatever magical product being advertised on the TV screen. Hence the beginnings of “As Seen on TV’ products. On the rare occasion, I was allowed to use my not-so-hard-earned babysitting money and order something, it would invariably be a dud.
Years later, walking through acres of crappy stalls of tie-dye, cheap socks, and fake watches inside the South Florida phenomenon known as an indoor flea market, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right there, amidst the ugly bathing suits, I found a store filled with “As seen on TV” products. At that point in my life, with a newborn, a barely walking young toddler, and sleep deprived, I believed it was a mirage. Instead of going in, I just shuffled on to outfit my kids in tie-dye, as only a grandmother-funded shopping spree can do.
Sometimes A Blind Squirrel Can Find a Nut
Fast forward to the modern world of Walmart, the internet, and the immediate availability of any “As Seen on TV product” you can dream of having. SNL and the world may make fun of “As Seen on TV” products, but I will admit some of these products have added value to my life. Possibly, I may only reveal how utterly pathetic I am. Nevertheless, these products have come a long way from the days of Sea Monkies and Ronco Veg-e-matics.
Full disclosure as an Amazon Affiliate, if anyone uses my links below to purchase any of the items mentioned, I may make about thirty-two cents, and there will be no additional cost to you.
My hands down favorite “As Seen on TV product” is the Bacon Bowl. On nights when boiling up another box of macaroni and fake cheese for the kids would do nothing but speed up my entry into the lazy parent hall of fame, I had an alternate plan. All I had to do was scream, “bacon bowl night,” and dinner became a combination craft project and cooking lesson.
The reviews for this must-have kitchen tool are horrible. People are picky. Taking strips of bacon, layering them on a piece of plastic, and sticking them in the microwave is going to make a big mess. For ten bucks, it’s not self-cleaning. The bowl, especially when you let little kids do the layering, will rarely look like artisan-made pottery. It does its job. It holds stuff. Don’t look for me to provide recipes because anything edible goes with bacon. The possibilities are endless. If cheese, pickles, and Doritos inside the bowl are not appealing, hit up Pintrest, but first, check out this odd guy that offers instructions.
I’m Just Here for the Popcorn
While I am singing the praises of bowls, another amazing “As seen on TV” product I love is the safe microwave popcorn bowl. Occasionally I read those doom and gloom articles about how everything in the world that you use or consume will kill you. One such item was microwave popcorn. With thoughts of slow death by nuked chemically treated paper bags of kernels in my head, I saw a tv ad for the safe microwave popcorn bowl.
As price is always my motivating factor, I purchased it. No more money than a giant box of Orville Redenbockers bagged popcorn, I bought one. It is flimsy and feels weirdly powdery to the touch. I had low expectations. Since I overeat everything, I make myself way more than the recommended amount and always stand ready to clean up the overfilled popcorn. By some unknown law of physics or magic, the popcorn inches over the top of the bowl, but it never spills. Not once. Since I do not use butter but lots of chili powder and nutritional yeast (another day and time), It’s an easy rinse-out clean-up. It comes with a thingy to melt the butter, but that takes coordination.
Reality Show in the Mall
I will take some non-poetic license and consider a mall kiosk almost the same as an “As Seen on TV” product. Especially since this one involves incredibly enthusiastic hawking of the goods and a reality TV-worthy potential visit from child services. The particular gizmo that caught my attention is a hoverboard. Caught off guard, I let the shady guy in the mall spend fifteen minutes showing us all the cool things this motorized skateboard could do. I wanted one myself by the time he finished. However, the seven hundred dollar price tag sent us to Auntie Anne’s for an overpriced soft pretzel instead.
The two very persuasive little people that lived in my house would not give up. I did a little research and discovered they were wholly inappropriate and dangerous. The main alarming feature was that they caught on fire and burned down a few houses. Only if they were overcharged. Didnt matter how much the kids wanted them for the holidays; I wasn’t spending the price of one travel hockey season.
Through the wonders of the internet, I found a wholesale supplier based in Japan that sold them for around one hundred dollars. The only catch was I had to buy five. Even though I have a track record of purchasing multiple concert tickets, hoping to make a profit, and then losing money, I figured I could unload them at cost. Ultimately I did sell them to other suckered parents (at cost) and can say that seven years later, no one’s house has burned down. To be safe, we never charged them near a bedroom. And now they are mainstream and can be bought inexpensively
What Doesn’t Kill You Gives You Peaceful Sleep
Although I now sing the praises of a weighted blanket, it was not love at first sight. Our dog sleeps right beside me in bed, and I have almost choked to death trying to turn over when Riley is lying on the edge. My husband did not appreciate my cries for help at two in the morning. And the bonus of getting a workout trying to fold the thing in the morning did not score any points.
However, there is a very satisfying comfort in the weight of it over your body, and it makes up for some minor near-fatal accidents. My daughter is a little obsessed. She moved past her starter weight and now has a blanket that needs its own awkward broken-wheeled cart to get it up to her dorm room.
Wrapped Up in Embarrassment
The Snuggie became more than a laughable late-night commercial to me when someone brought one to our family holiday exchange. To my surprise, it was the most popular gift. However, coming from a family that prides itself on giving the goofiest and most cringe-worthy items might lessen the credibility. Somehow it ended up on my couch. Alone late at night watching tv, I couldn’t resist and put it on. It is comfortable and easy to stay warm while getting up to make popcorn. It really is way too ridiculous to wear with any other people around. I felt a bit ashamed when the cat walked into the room. Don’t be like me and let pride stand in the way of super snuggly comfort while binge-watching.
Poor Man’s Niwaki
And last is my unreciprocated love of a Chia Pet. This is a product that just gets better and better. I had a boring sheep as a kid. Today you can grow anyone and anything from Bob Ross to David Hasselhoff and a poop emoji. As much as I tried, I could never get any family member to be as excited as I was when Papa Smurf sprouted his green hair. Where did I go wrong?
With Chia as a health nut staple, if you don’t feel like growing it, I guess you can just eat it.
I Hate Shopping
Courteney Cox
